uhhh i haven't been writing on here a whole lot lately. i'm trying to figure myself out. i keep thinking that i want to Date again, maybe be in a relationship but we'll see, but every time I do i just don't like most people That Much and it makes me feel really evil and i'm trying to navigate that and figure out what i want while making it less of other people's problem i guess. recently i found out that my abusive ex lives in the same city i do that i moved to earlier this year. she's allegedly sober and celibate. i hope that's true but god only knows. i'm torn between the idea that maybe she has changed and she's working on herself and not perpetuating that harm any more. at the same time i fear that she hasn't and that she's more manipulative now than ever and i hope that's not true but it's hard to navigate and even though this is a big city i fear running into her at an event and just freezing. i was in emdr therapy for three years, mostly because of trauma responses developed from my relationship with her, which ended when i moved across the country. it did a lot. but now i'm finding myself more anxious and on edge than ever. i'm having stress dreams about her every night. right before i learned she lived in my city i had my first like Sex Trauma Response that wasn't just straight dissociation i've had in i think years and it was really jarring. and so trying to figure out both like. how to deal with my mental health right now and trying to force myself to lock in on finding a new therapist even though starting over in therapy is hell on earth, meanwhile constantly being torn between I Want To Date vs I Should Not Do That vs I Don't Like Anyone Enough Anyways vs I'm Too Traumatized For Anything Right Now And Need To Work On Myself vs Is It Over For Me Is There Anyone Out There Who Matches My Freak While ALso Not Giving Me The Ick. anyways. idk what i mean by all this anymore this is kind of just word vomit but Whatever.